A few weeks ago, it was suggested to me that I begin some journaling again. I regularly journal as it is, but the idea came up as a suggestion for documenting the journey that I am about to take in discovering more about myself - the same way that the beautiful cherubs who I work alongside also learn more about themselves.
In the coming months, I'm going to embark on a new project for myself - about myself. I'm going to take a deep look into the insides of me (not literally, but figuratively) and work out what it is that makes me tick, how who I am can find a place in the social world, and what this means for me as I establish some deeper understanding about boundaries, connection and 'friendship'.
It's going to be an interesting journey, and one that may take me some time, but it will no doubt be worth travelling. Wish me luck!
Monday, 4 June 2018
Monday, 13 July 2015
What do I hear when people say, "but everyone is a little bit on the spectrum"?
I hear, "you're not that different to the rest of us... really!"
I hear, "it can't be that hard for you, surely!"
I hear, "I'm trying to make you feel better about who you are..."
But here's the thing.
Not everyone is a little bit on the spectrum.
Lots of people may have some traits that are similar to those of us on the spectrum, but unless a person experiences many of those traits, all the time, then no, they are not on the spectrum.
And here's a little something (from my perspective) that I'd like you to know.
When a person who is autistic or Aspergers tells you about themselves, quite often it has taken much courage to do so. Often the person is risking judgement, and leaving themselves open for questions and discussion that can be tricky to handle.
I often wonder if people then use the response of "but everyone is a little bit on the spectrum" thinking that they're helping the person disclosing to feel better?
But you know what?
It doesn't make me feel better. I actually feel pretty great just as I am.
What I think it does do, though, is actually belittle the challenges that we face, and makes light of the work that we do to get by in a world that caters mainly for non-autistic people.
I'm sure people don't mean to belittle, and don't mean to make light of the coping mechanisms that we use and have to keep finding.
But, from my perspective, that's what it can do.
Please, when you next feel the urge to say "but everyone is a little bit on the spectrum", try and first think... 'is what I'm about to say going to acknowledge the person that I'm talking to, or could I potentially be devaluing their efforts in the world?'
Elissa x
I hear, "it can't be that hard for you, surely!"
I hear, "I'm trying to make you feel better about who you are..."
But here's the thing.
Not everyone is a little bit on the spectrum.
Lots of people may have some traits that are similar to those of us on the spectrum, but unless a person experiences many of those traits, all the time, then no, they are not on the spectrum.
And here's a little something (from my perspective) that I'd like you to know.
When a person who is autistic or Aspergers tells you about themselves, quite often it has taken much courage to do so. Often the person is risking judgement, and leaving themselves open for questions and discussion that can be tricky to handle.
I often wonder if people then use the response of "but everyone is a little bit on the spectrum" thinking that they're helping the person disclosing to feel better?
But you know what?
It doesn't make me feel better. I actually feel pretty great just as I am.
What I think it does do, though, is actually belittle the challenges that we face, and makes light of the work that we do to get by in a world that caters mainly for non-autistic people.
I'm sure people don't mean to belittle, and don't mean to make light of the coping mechanisms that we use and have to keep finding.
But, from my perspective, that's what it can do.
Please, when you next feel the urge to say "but everyone is a little bit on the spectrum", try and first think... 'is what I'm about to say going to acknowledge the person that I'm talking to, or could I potentially be devaluing their efforts in the world?'
Elissa x
Monday, 1 September 2014
When DOING well is not the same as BEING well
He finally crashed this morning.
Completely overloaded.
Everything fell apart.
And as he lay there, body worn out and almost 'broken', with arms and legs flailing, and eyes large in a mix of fear and rage, I realised yet again that 'DOING well' is not 'BEING well'.
Yes, he's DONE well to get through a week of massive change to routine, increased sensory stimulation, increased demands on his motor skills and coordination (those that he normally finds very difficult) and a bucket load of unstructured time...
But as a result, today he is nowhere near BEING well.
His 'bucket' has completely and totally overflowed, with the 'water still running'.
And so I have pulled everything back.
It's 'basics' mode until he is BEING well again.
Completely overloaded.
Everything fell apart.
And as he lay there, body worn out and almost 'broken', with arms and legs flailing, and eyes large in a mix of fear and rage, I realised yet again that 'DOING well' is not 'BEING well'.
Yes, he's DONE well to get through a week of massive change to routine, increased sensory stimulation, increased demands on his motor skills and coordination (those that he normally finds very difficult) and a bucket load of unstructured time...
But as a result, today he is nowhere near BEING well.
His 'bucket' has completely and totally overflowed, with the 'water still running'.
And so I have pulled everything back.
It's 'basics' mode until he is BEING well again.
Saturday, 24 August 2013
When it hurts and it's hard
Today I have felt disappointment, hurt, and sadness.
I am not one to rant on social media. If I did that, then this morning my page would have been screaming the statement, "don't judge my child until you walk in his shoes". But the people who likely need to hear this message probably wouldn't have heard anyway... and if they did, it likely would not have made a scrap of difference.
My son lives a life that is different to many, but his life is also similar to some others... and this is why I am writing this post - for him, and for the others who likely experience the same hurt and sadness.
I wonder do people consider the effect of statements such as "don't play with (...) , he's a naughty kid, stay away from him".
In fact - even making off handed statements in front of their children about my child such as "yeah, he's a bit naughty" does nothing to help my son, and does nothing to ease the burden of his learning to live in this world.
I wonder do people ever realise the effort that it takes my child to try and make his way in a world that is not set up for him - in a world where it takes him so much longer and so much more effort than any other child to manage social situations that are established by people who naturally understand social niceties and social rules?
And I wonder do people ever stop and think just how far my child has come in his ability to manage these situations... or are they still too busy telling their children to steer clear of him because he's not the kind of child that they want around theirs.
My child is not perfectly behaved. I have no illusions about this. But neither is any other child perfectly behaved.
My child does not 'provoke trouble' any more than any other child but neither does he lie or tell untruths... and I wonder if sometimes this adds to his predicament when he shares the world with other children and teens who are able to bend the truth, and cover themselves where they need to.
My child is emotional, and he wears his heart on his sleeve... but it's a good heart - a loving heart that deserves fair treatment and a fair go.
So please..... watch what you say in the company of your children about other children who struggle with the social world. And before you make judgement and direct your child away from mine or others like mine, please put yourself in his shoes... in our shoes... in their shoes... and rethink...
I am not one to rant on social media. If I did that, then this morning my page would have been screaming the statement, "don't judge my child until you walk in his shoes". But the people who likely need to hear this message probably wouldn't have heard anyway... and if they did, it likely would not have made a scrap of difference.
My son lives a life that is different to many, but his life is also similar to some others... and this is why I am writing this post - for him, and for the others who likely experience the same hurt and sadness.
I wonder do people consider the effect of statements such as "don't play with (...) , he's a naughty kid, stay away from him".
In fact - even making off handed statements in front of their children about my child such as "yeah, he's a bit naughty" does nothing to help my son, and does nothing to ease the burden of his learning to live in this world.
I wonder do people ever realise the effort that it takes my child to try and make his way in a world that is not set up for him - in a world where it takes him so much longer and so much more effort than any other child to manage social situations that are established by people who naturally understand social niceties and social rules?
And I wonder do people ever stop and think just how far my child has come in his ability to manage these situations... or are they still too busy telling their children to steer clear of him because he's not the kind of child that they want around theirs.
My child is not perfectly behaved. I have no illusions about this. But neither is any other child perfectly behaved.
My child does not 'provoke trouble' any more than any other child but neither does he lie or tell untruths... and I wonder if sometimes this adds to his predicament when he shares the world with other children and teens who are able to bend the truth, and cover themselves where they need to.
My child is emotional, and he wears his heart on his sleeve... but it's a good heart - a loving heart that deserves fair treatment and a fair go.
So please..... watch what you say in the company of your children about other children who struggle with the social world. And before you make judgement and direct your child away from mine or others like mine, please put yourself in his shoes... in our shoes... in their shoes... and rethink...
Thursday, 21 February 2013
Are you brave enough to share???
At different times in my life I have contemplated the whole idea of what we keep private and why...
How many of us go through life hiding things from others or pretending that things are different to what they really are?... Do we do this to protect ourselves? And if it's to protect ourselves, is it for a realistic reason or is it simply because we... fear judgement or exposure (in which case it becomes a protection mechanism anyway...)
How many of us go through life hiding things from others or pretending that things are different to what they really are?... Do we do this to protect ourselves? And if it's to protect ourselves, is it for a realistic reason or is it simply because we... fear judgement or exposure (in which case it becomes a protection mechanism anyway...)
Does it matter if the person next to me knows how much I weigh or how old I am?
Sure, I probably don't want to share with everyone how much money I earn... but unless I had signed a privacy contract, would it matter if it slipped??? Really?...
I have no doubt that many of you reading this now have some very strong opinions on the matter of what should stay private and what is okay to be public, but the reason I'm writing this is definitely NOT to have a debate on the pros and cons of privacy, or to argue what should be private or not, but simply to get us thinking about our own stuff...
What if there was a big part of ourselves that we knew intimately, and that made us who we really are, but that we tried to keep hidden from the world? Why would we do that? What would be the point?... Would you be prepared to open yourself up and share what was true about you?
Surely there would have to be a point in time that we came clean with the world and released all that is us...
But what do you think? And would you be brave enough to share?.....
Sure, I probably don't want to share with everyone how much money I earn... but unless I had signed a privacy contract, would it matter if it slipped??? Really?...
I have no doubt that many of you reading this now have some very strong opinions on the matter of what should stay private and what is okay to be public, but the reason I'm writing this is definitely NOT to have a debate on the pros and cons of privacy, or to argue what should be private or not, but simply to get us thinking about our own stuff...
What if there was a big part of ourselves that we knew intimately, and that made us who we really are, but that we tried to keep hidden from the world? Why would we do that? What would be the point?... Would you be prepared to open yourself up and share what was true about you?
Surely there would have to be a point in time that we came clean with the world and released all that is us...
But what do you think? And would you be brave enough to share?.....
Monday, 8 October 2012
Social Change - An Insight
Change is challenging.
But for me, social change is possibly the most challenging. Firstly because it brings with it all the usual aspects of change (uncertainty, new things etc) and secondly (probably the most tricky part) is that it brings with it an avalanche of new signals to try and read, a sense of loneliness, and potentially new scripts to learn and understand.
And it's not just big social change that is challenging. In fact, sometimes it's the small, seemingly insignificant changes that are harder - because nobody else may notice the differences... except the Aspie who always notices the differences.
And when the change is happening all around you, with no control in your hands, it's a scary thing.
It's like this... you have your social world on a rug that feels stable and safe - stable and safe enough to take risks in other areas of life... and then the rug gets shifted under you. Other people don't notice, but the small shift is enough to unsettle everything...
It's life though... and we roll with how it comes, whatever it means...
But for me, social change is possibly the most challenging. Firstly because it brings with it all the usual aspects of change (uncertainty, new things etc) and secondly (probably the most tricky part) is that it brings with it an avalanche of new signals to try and read, a sense of loneliness, and potentially new scripts to learn and understand.
And it's not just big social change that is challenging. In fact, sometimes it's the small, seemingly insignificant changes that are harder - because nobody else may notice the differences... except the Aspie who always notices the differences.
And when the change is happening all around you, with no control in your hands, it's a scary thing.
It's like this... you have your social world on a rug that feels stable and safe - stable and safe enough to take risks in other areas of life... and then the rug gets shifted under you. Other people don't notice, but the small shift is enough to unsettle everything...
It's life though... and we roll with how it comes, whatever it means...
Wednesday, 2 May 2012
When two items of input are one too many...
I was thinking today...
Often my day is travelling along perfectly okay, I'm managing all that is going on, and I even roll with a few changes!
But then I get two people talking to me at once... or I try to prepare a meal while carrying on a conversation that I have to THINK through... or I try to sort out two different things going on at once...
And then it all falls to pieces in that moment.
It's that second item of input, and it gets me every time...
One of these days I'll find a strategy to save myself :)
Often my day is travelling along perfectly okay, I'm managing all that is going on, and I even roll with a few changes!
But then I get two people talking to me at once... or I try to prepare a meal while carrying on a conversation that I have to THINK through... or I try to sort out two different things going on at once...
And then it all falls to pieces in that moment.
It's that second item of input, and it gets me every time...
One of these days I'll find a strategy to save myself :)
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